Low self-esteem can affect how you see yourself, approach relationships and respond to everyday challenges. You may constantly question whether you are good enough, assume other people are judging you or struggle to accept praise even when it is genuine.
Sometimes these beliefs develop following obvious traumatic experiences. At other times, they form gradually through repeated criticism, rejection, bullying, emotional neglect or relationships in which you were made to feel that your needs did not matter.
Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) may help when low self-esteem is connected to distressing experiences that continue to shape how you feel about yourself. Rather than simply trying to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, EMDR works with the memories and emotional experiences underneath those beliefs.
This article explains how EMDR for low self-esteem works, what treatment may involve and when another therapeutic approach might be more appropriate.
What Is Low Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem refers to the value you place on yourself and the beliefs you hold about who you are.
Healthy self-esteem does not mean feeling confident all the time. It means having a reasonably stable sense of worth that can survive mistakes, criticism and difficult periods without collapsing.
Low self-esteem may show up as:
- Feeling that you are not good enough
- Harsh self-criticism
- Difficulty accepting compliments
- Constantly comparing yourself with others
- People-pleasing or over-apologising
- Fear of rejection or disapproval
- Perfectionism
- Avoiding opportunities in case you fail
- Struggling to set boundaries
- Remaining in unhealthy or unequal relationships
- Feeling that your value depends on what you achieve
You can learn more about how these patterns form in my guide to what self-esteem is and how it develops.
Where Does Low Self-Esteem Come From?
Low self-esteem rarely appears without a history.
Our beliefs about ourselves develop through experience, particularly through early relationships and the way other people respond to us. When a child receives sufficient warmth, encouragement and acceptance, this can support the belief that they are valuable and worthy of care.
However, repeated experiences of criticism, rejection, humiliation or emotional absence can communicate a very different message.
Experiences that may contribute to low self-esteem include:
- Being frequently criticised or compared with others
- Bullying at school, work or online
- Emotional neglect
- Physical, emotional or sexual abuse
- Growing up with unpredictable or highly critical caregivers
- Academic or professional humiliation
- Racism, discrimination or exclusion
- Repeated rejection
- Controlling or abusive relationships
- Being blamed for things that were not your responsibility
- Feeling that love or approval had to be earned
A child may not think, “The adults around me are unable to meet my emotional needs.” They are more likely to conclude, “There must be something wrong with me.”
That conclusion can remain active long after the original circumstances have changed.
When Past Experiences Become Negative Beliefs
EMDR therapists often explore the meaning attached to distressing memories.
For example, being laughed at during a school presentation may become connected to the belief, “I’m stupid.” Repeated criticism from a parent might contribute to “I’m never good enough.” An abusive relationship may leave someone believing, “I don’t deserve better.”
Common negative beliefs associated with low self-esteem include:
- “I’m not good enough.”
- “I’m unlovable.”
- “I’m a failure.”
- “I don’t matter.”
- “There is something wrong with me.”
- “I cannot trust myself.”
- “I have to be perfect.”
- “I’m responsible for everyone else.”
- “I don’t deserve to have needs.”
These beliefs can feel like facts rather than conclusions formed under difficult circumstances. Present-day experiences may then activate the same emotional responses, even when the original danger, criticism or rejection is no longer present.
How Can EMDR Help Low Self-Esteem?
EMDR is based on the idea that some distressing experiences are not fully processed and integrated into our wider memory networks.
When this happens, a memory can retain elements of the original emotion, physical sensation and negative belief. A present-day situation may then trigger the old response.
For example, constructive feedback at work might activate the same shame once experienced when being criticised as a child. A small disagreement with a partner might trigger an intense fear of rejection. Being asked to speak in a meeting might bring back the belief that humiliation is inevitable.
EMDR aims to help the brain process the experiences connected to these reactions. The event is not forgotten or erased. Instead, it may begin to feel less emotionally immediate, while the negative belief attached to it becomes less convincing.
As processing develops, “I’m not good enough” might begin to shift towards a more balanced belief such as:
- “I am good enough as I am.”
- “I can learn from mistakes.”
- “I deserve respect.”
- “I have choices now.”
- “I am worthy of care.”
- “What happened was not my fault.”
The goal is not to force positive thinking. A new belief needs to feel emotionally credible, not like an affirmation pasted over an old wound.
Considering EMDR Therapy?
I offer face-to-face EMDR therapy in Swansea and online EMDR sessions across the UK, including focused EMDR intensives.
Find Out About EMDR Therapy →What Happens During EMDR for Self-Esteem?
EMDR is an eight-phase therapeutic approach. It does not begin with immediately revisiting the most painful experience.
Early sessions usually involve discussing what is affecting you, exploring your history and identifying the patterns you would like to change. Your therapist will also explain the process and help you develop ways to manage difficult emotions.
Together, you may identify:
- Earlier memories linked to negative beliefs
- Present situations that trigger shame or self-doubt
- Patterns affecting your relationships or daily life
- The belief you currently hold about yourself
- What you would prefer to believe
- Future situations in which you would like to respond differently
During the processing stage, you briefly bring an aspect of a chosen memory to mind while following bilateral stimulation. This might involve guided eye movements, alternating tapping or sounds.
After each short set, your therapist will ask what you notice. Thoughts, images, emotions, body sensations or other memories may emerge. You do not have to decide whether they are important or analyse them as they appear.
You remain awake and in control throughout the session. You can pause at any time.
My guide to what happens in an EMDR session explains each stage in more detail.
Which Memories Might Be Processed?
EMDR does not require one single, dramatic traumatic event.
Low self-esteem is sometimes connected to a collection of smaller but repeated experiences. Individually, they may not appear severe, but together they can shape a powerful negative view of the self.
Possible treatment targets might include:
- A memory of being criticised by a parent
- Being humiliated by a teacher
- A significant experience of bullying
- Being excluded by friends
- Failing an exam or losing a job
- Being rejected by a partner
- Experiences within an abusive relationship
- Moments when you felt powerless, defective or ashamed
Your therapist may begin with an early memory, a recent trigger or an experience that seems to represent the wider pattern.
You should not be pushed to process something before you are ready. Assessment and preparation are essential parts of responsible EMDR treatment.
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I am recognised by AXA Health and Aviva. Your health insurance may cover EMDR therapy, depending on your policy and your insurer’s approval.
Contact Me About EMDR Therapy →Can EMDR Help the Inner Critic?
The inner critic is often an internalised version of messages received earlier in life.
Even when nobody is currently criticising you, you may continue speaking to yourself in the same unforgiving tone. This can create an exhausting cycle:
- You expect yourself to perform perfectly.
- You interpret ordinary mistakes as evidence of failure.
- You attack or shame yourself.
- Your confidence drops.
- You avoid challenges or work even harder to prove your worth.
- The underlying belief remains unchanged.
EMDR may help reduce the emotional power of the experiences that taught you to respond this way.
This does not mean you will never notice self-critical thoughts again. The aim is for them to feel less automatic, convincing and controlling.
Can EMDR Improve Confidence?
Confidence and self-esteem are related, but they are not identical.
Confidence often relates to a particular ability or situation. You may feel confident at work but insecure in relationships. Self-esteem concerns your broader sense of personal value.
EMDR may support confidence when current fears are connected to earlier distressing experiences. For example, processing a memory of public humiliation may make speaking in meetings feel less threatening.
However, EMDR cannot replace learning, experience or practical action. If you want to become more confident at something, you may still need to practise it. The difference is that old fear or shame may no longer stand in your way to the same extent.
Is EMDR Right for Everyone With Low Self-Esteem?
No. Low self-esteem has many possible causes, and EMDR is not automatically the right treatment simply because someone struggles with self-worth.
Another approach may be more appropriate when the main difficulty relates to:
- Current abusive, discriminatory or unsafe circumstances
- Practical problems requiring direct support
- Limited opportunities to develop skills or confidence
- Current relationships that repeatedly undermine self-worth
- A need for longer-term relational therapy
- Beliefs maintained primarily through present-day habits and avoidance
Some people also benefit from combining EMDR with talking therapy. EMDR can work with distressing memories while the wider therapeutic relationship provides space to explore identity, boundaries, relationships and new ways of living.
You can read more about the differences in EMDR vs talking therapy or explore whether EMDR may be right for you.
How Long Does EMDR Take for Low Self-Esteem?
There is no standard number of sessions.
Low self-esteem linked to one or two identifiable experiences may require less treatment than beliefs formed through years of criticism, emotional neglect or repeated relational trauma.
The length of therapy can depend on:
- How many experiences contributed to the belief
- Whether the experiences were isolated or repeated
- Your current circumstances
- The support available outside therapy
- How you respond to processing
- Whether other difficulties also need attention
- The amount of preparation needed
A therapist should not promise a particular result or number of sessions before completing an assessment.
Can EMDR Make You Feel Worse Initially?
Working with distressing memories can temporarily bring up emotions, thoughts, dreams or physical sensations. Some people feel tired or emotionally sensitive following a processing session.
This does not mean that treatment should leave you consistently overwhelmed. EMDR should progress at a manageable pace, with time given to preparation, grounding and reviewing how you respond between sessions.
You remain in control and can ask to slow down or pause. You can also read more about EMDR side effects, whether EMDR is safe and whether EMDR can make things worse.
Looking for the Best EMDR Books?
Explore recommended EMDR books for clients, counsellors and counselling students, from accessible introductions to detailed clinical texts.
View Recommended EMDR Books →Frequently Asked Questions
Can EMDR remove negative beliefs?
EMDR does not simply delete a belief. It works with the experiences, emotions and body responses connected to it. As those experiences are processed, the negative belief may feel less convincing and a healthier perspective may become more believable.
Do I need to have experienced trauma?
You do not need to have a PTSD diagnosis. EMDR may be used with distressing experiences that do not meet the clinical definition of trauma. However, treatment should still follow a proper assessment.
Will EMDR make me confident?
EMDR may reduce the effects of memories that trigger shame, fear or self-doubt. Confidence may improve as a result, but practical experience, supportive relationships and new behaviour also play an important role.
Can EMDR help with people-pleasing?
It may help when people-pleasing developed from experiences of rejection, criticism, conflict or feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. Therapy may also need to include work on boundaries, identity and present-day relationships.
Can EMDR help with body image?
EMDR may be useful when body-image difficulties are linked to bullying, humiliation, abuse or other specific distressing experiences. Body-image concerns can also be complex and may require specialist support, particularly when an eating disorder is present.
Low self-esteem is not proof that you lack value. It is often the result of experiences that taught you to see yourself through a critical, rejecting or fearful lens.
Understanding this intellectually can be helpful, but it does not always change how the belief feels. EMDR may help by addressing the memories and emotional learning underneath negative beliefs such as “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t matter.”
As those experiences become less emotionally charged, it may become easier to relate to yourself with greater compassion, trust your judgement and recognise that your past does not have to determine your worth.
For a broader explanation of the approach, visit my EMDR Therapy: How It Works and Who It Helps resource hub.
I’m Rachael Fox, a BACP Accredited psychotherapist. I offer face-to-face EMDR therapy in Swansea and online EMDR sessions across the UK.
If you would like to discuss what you are experiencing and whether EMDR may be appropriate, you can contact me to arrange a free consultation.
