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When people think about trauma responses, the most common reactions
that come to mind are “fight,” “flight,” or “freeze.” However, there’s a lesser-known but equally significant trauma response called “fawning.” Like the others, Fawning is a survival mechanism triggered when a person perceives danger or threat. It involves an instinctive attempt to appease, please, or submit to others to avoid conflict or further harm. This response is especially common in individuals who have experienced chronic stress or trauma, particularly in relationships where there is an imbalance of power or control.
What Is Fawning?
Fawning is a trauma response where an individual adopts people-pleasing behaviours to avoid confrontation or to gain approval from others. It is a form of self-preservation, particularly when asserting oneself, which may lead to conflict, punishment, or emotional harm. Individuals who fawn often struggle to express their needs, boundaries, or desires, instead prioritising the comfort and demands of others. This pattern of behaviour may develop as a coping mechanism in response to environments where personal safety, either emotional or physical, is threatened.
In childhood, fawning may emerge in response to abusive or neglectful caregivers, where a child learns that compliance and appeasement are ways to avoid punishment or gain love and approval. Over time, this response becomes deeply ingrained, often carrying over into adulthood, impacting relationships, work dynamics, and self-perception.
How Fawning Differs from Other Trauma Responses
While the fight, flight and freeze responses are designed to handle immediate physical threats—such as facing an aggressor, fleeing a dangerous situation, or becoming immobile to avoid detection—fawning is more social in nature. Instead of escaping a threat, individuals who fawn attempt to “disarm” it through compliance and submission. This response is more subtle and often goes unrecognised by the individual and those around them.
Fight involves standing one’s ground and confronting the threat.
Flight means escaping or avoiding the situation.
Freeze is characterised by shutting down, feeling paralysed, or being unable to take action.
On the other hand, Fawning involves placating the threat by being overly agreeable, compliant, or helpful, often at the cost of one’s own needs and boundaries.
Why Do People Fawn?
Fawning typically develops as a learned behaviour in environments where asserting one’s needs is punished or ignored. In abusive or highly controlling relationships, individuals may learn that the safest course of action is to agree, submit, or go along with whatever the more dominant person wants. This can include giving up personal boundaries, adopting the other person’s opinions, or avoiding any action that might provoke conflict.
Children raised in homes with emotionally unavailable or abusive caregivers often develop fawning as a survival strategy. They may not feel safe to express anger, sadness, or frustration and instead learn to adapt by becoming overly compliant or trying to please their caregivers. Over time, this behaviour becomes second nature, making it difficult for individuals to recognise or assert their needs as they grow older.
The Impact of Fawning
While fawning may temporarily protect individuals from conflict or harm, it often has long-term negative effects. The constant suppression of one’s own needs and desires can lead to feelings of resentment, low self-esteem, and emotional exhaustion. People who engage in fawning frequently struggle with codependency, anxiety, and an inability to set healthy boundaries in relationships.
Some of the impacts of fawning include:
- Loss of identity: Over time, constantly catering to the needs of others can cause individuals to lose sight of their own preferences, values, and desires. They may feel disconnected from themselves and unsure of who they are outside of their relationships.
- Difficulty setting boundaries: People who fawn often struggle to say “no” or stand up for themselves, fearing that asserting their needs will lead to rejection or conflict.
- Burnout and exhaustion: The emotional labour involved in constantly managing others’ emotions and needs can lead to physical and emotional exhaustion.
- Low self-worth: By prioritising others’ needs over their own, individuals who fawn may develop a belief that their worth is tied to how well they can please others. This often results in chronic low self-esteem.
- Unhealthy relationships: Fawning can perpetuate toxic or one-sided relationships where the fawner is continually exploited or taken advantage of and unable to advocate for themselves.
Recognising and Healing from Fawning
Recognising fawning as a trauma response is the first step toward healing. For many, the behaviours associated with fawning have been ingrained for so long that they can feel automatic, making it difficult to break the pattern. However, with increased self-awareness and therapeutic support, individuals can learn to shift away from fawning and toward more authentic, self-affirming behaviours.
Some steps toward healing include:
- Self-awareness: It is key to acknowledge when and why you engage in fawning behaviours. Reflect on past experiences and relationships where you felt the need to please others at your own expense. Pay attention to moments where you automatically default to people-pleasing and explore the emotions driving those actions.
- Therapeutic support: Working with a therapist, particularly one who specialises in trauma or codependency, can help you understand the root causes of fawning and guide you through strategies to break the cycle. Cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), Eye movement, desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) and trauma-informed approaches can be particularly helpful.
- Boundary setting: Learning to set and enforce healthy boundaries is crucial for overcoming fawning. This involves recognising your needs, communicating them assertively, and understanding that it’s okay to say “no.”
- Building self-worth: Fawning often stems from a deep-seated belief that one’s value comes from pleasing others. Healing from this pattern involves building a sense of self-worth independent of external validation.
Fawning is a complex and often overlooked trauma response that stems from a need for safety and approval. While it may have once served as a survival mechanism, it can lead to unhealthy patterns of self-abandonment and codependency if left unchecked. Recognising fawning as a trauma response and seeking support through therapy and self-exploration can empower individuals to reclaim their sense of self, set healthy boundaries, and cultivate more authentic and fulfilling relationships.
