Codependency isn’t about being weak, needy, or “too much.” It’s about how safety, worth, and connection get organised in relationships — often quietly, often for very understandable reasons.
Below are three signs that commonly show up when codependent patterns are active.
Your Self-Worth Depends on Other People’s Reactions
One of the clearest signs of codependency is when your sense of worth rises and falls based on how others respond to you.
You may notice:
Feeling okay only when others are happy with you
Overthinking conversations after they’ve ended
Feeling responsible for other people’s moods
A deep fear of disappointing or upsetting someone
This isn’t attention-seeking — it’s a learned survival strategy. If approval once equalled safety, your nervous system will still chase it, even in adult relationships. These patterns often sit within broader themes of identity, self-worth and relational safety explored in Self-Esteem, Identity & Relationships.
You Struggle to Set Boundaries Without Guilt
Many people with codependent patterns know what a boundary is — but feel intense guilt, anxiety or fear when trying to set one.
This can look like:
Saying yes when you mean no
Explaining or justifying yourself excessively
Feeling “mean” or selfish for having limits
Resenting others but not expressing it
The issue isn’t a lack of boundaries. It’s the belief that boundaries threaten connection. When connection once depended on being accommodating or emotionally available, limits can feel dangerous — even when they’re healthy.
Codependent No More
Start caring for yourself with this modern self-help classic Paperback – 13 April 2023 by Melody Beattie (Author)
View on Amazon →You Lose Yourself in Relationships
Another common sign of codependency is a blurred sense of identity when you’re emotionally attached to someone.
You may notice:
Adapting your opinions, needs or preferences to fit others
Feeling unsure who you are outside of relationships
Prioritising the relationship over your own wellbeing
Feeling anxious or empty when alone
Over time, relationships become the place where identity is stabilised — rather than something you bring into the relationship.
This often links to attachment patterns and early relational experiences, rather than anything “wrong” with you.
A Quick Reality Check
Having one or more of these signs does not mean you are codependent in a fixed way.
Codependency exists on a spectrum. Many people move in and out of these patterns depending on stress, relationship dynamics, or life stage.
What matters isn’t the label — it’s whether your relationships allow space for:
emotional safety
autonomy
mutual care
a stable sense of self
If not, support can help. Support for codependent patterns can take different forms, depending on how deeply rooted they are and how they show up in your life. Some people benefit from self-help approaches such as psychoeducation, journaling and structured workbooks, particularly when patterns are mild or newly recognised. Others find counselling helpful for exploring how these patterns developed, strengthening self-worth, and learning to relate differently without self-abandonment. Where codependency is linked to earlier relational trauma or emotionally overwhelming experiences, EMDR therapy may also be useful in processing the memories that keep these patterns in place.
Facing Codependence
What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives Paperback – 24 Oct. 2002 by Pia Mellody (Author), Andrea Wells Miller (Author), J. Keith Miller (Author)
View on Amazon →